Volevi che me ne vada...

And now I have.


Ycoaumre
wtirsuhe.

The Girl Who Saw Time

A short (but maybe not so short) story I am working on. About a girl, Nayeli who has the gift of Time Sight. Meaning she has the ability to manipulate her view of Time Energy. 

The sun is warm on my back and I have to take a moment and close my eyes to soak up this delicious first Spring feeling. Grandma always said to take in each moment as it is happening because it's gone in an instant. It may sound a little silly- a 25 year-old still calling upon her grandmother's advice but hey, what can I say? She was a smart lady. I opened my eyes again and looked down to the sketch pad in my lap. I really do love sketching. I mainly just do pencils.

I am in my favorite spot.  Take a right as you reach the end of my street and then head north on I53 for about 20 minutes and you'll find yourself at a fork. If you go left you'll head into town where you'll find everything a suburban house wife might want. However, if you go left, which no one ever does these days, you'll find yourself on a dusty dirt road. And if you're brave enough to stay on that for about 6 miles you'll wind up and around a small cliff where, once at the top, you can overlook and see the whole town. It's a little secret that not many people know about aside from myself.

So yeah. I come up here to sketch. To think. To breathe. To be.

However, it seems at this particular moment that my thoughts and being are being interrupted by a rather loud Chevy rolling up the path and parking next to my green Jeep Wrangler. A young woman steps out of the driver seat, I look but I don't see anyone in her passenger seat. She has those silly sunglasses on that chicks are wearing these days. You know, the really large and plastic-y looking ones that cover up just about all of your cheeks? She walks up to me and asks, "Is this not the way to the Grand Mall?" I looked back at her and then glanced at her plates. Out of state. Figures. I smile up at her and shake my head, "No.  You should have gone right at the fork about 6 miles back. " I hear her quietly curse under her breath. She smiles back at me but her eyes linger on my sketch pad. She walks up to get a closer look. This annoys me but I was taught to be polite. She bends over and looks as though she seriously considers my drawing. It takes her a second but she looks from the sketch pad and then down at the town. She does this a couple of times until she looks up at me and says, "Ohhh. I get it. You're drawing the landscape as if the town wasn't there. I bet it looked like that 1,000 years ago! Before the 'white man.' " She says the last two words while using quotations in the air, as if to not offend me. I smile and say "More like 827 years but you're close!" She smiles again, clearly unsure of what to do with my failed attempt at a joke. I clear my throat and say "But yeah, like I said, go right at the fork this time." She thanks me and heads back to her car. I watch her off and then return to my sketch. I look from the townscape to my paper a few times and wonder to myself, "If only people could see what I see."

I guess now's a good a time as any to fill you in. I'm a Seer. Please don't confuse that with a psychic for I am nothing of the sort. It's more like... well. I can see the flow of time. I'll just let that sink in for a second. Yes. I can manipulate my visualization to see the flow of time; meaning I can look at a building and concentrate on its time vortex energies and then just sort of... bend their appearance. I can see, more or less, go visually back in time or visually forward in time. Now, I know what you're thinking, "Oh, my God! She can travel through space/time!" No. No I cannot. Nothing I touch or am around can travel through or in the space time continuum. Trust me. I've tried.

What it basically boils down to is this: I can be looking at an elderly person and kind of visually tick the clock back. It looks really neat actually. They just appear to be ageing backwards. It's marvelous to watch the years literally melt off of people. To see them in their prime again. I can do it the other way as well. I can be looking at a twenty-something and visually turn the clock forward however many years I want and see what they might look like when they're older.

I've learned that there are a few rules to this. My ability to do this does not affect the person at all. They can neither see nor feel or sense what I am doing in any way. It has no negative (or positive) effects on this world. At least none that we've happened upon thus far. It's not an exact science.

Now. You see. Something I learned the hard way is that just because I can take a young healthy person and age them in my mind to 80 or 90 does not mean that they will make it to that age. I know this because I had used it on both of my parents. And well. My father passed away when I was 10. He was only 41. I had seen him as an old man more than a few times.

When I use my gift on living entities I have discovered that you can neither age nor de-age them outside of their lifespan parameters. Meaning, a butterfly, only lives for about 14 days. I cannot visually age a butterfly much past those 14 days. It just kind of stops. Like it's capped off. The energy doesn't exist for it, you see so there is no way a Seer could perceive it. They kind of just turn into a fossil. But only if the elements allow such an entity to fossilize. If that makes any sense. Are you bearing with me?

Now. Let me give you a little history. I've  been able to do this for as long as I can remember. When I was a young child I hadn't learned to control it. I would cry because my parents would lift me up to their faces but all I saw was the face of an elderly person whom I did not recognize. My parents took me to a least half a dozen optimologists convinced there was something wrong with my vision and that I needed corrective lenses of some kind. (20/20 by the way. In case you were wondering.) It wasn't until I was 7 or 8 that it kind of started to make sense to me. That I was able to  begin reasoning and rationalizing. It had scared me so badly as a very young child that I almost didn't get past it.

I have this very vivid memory, one day I was in the basement with my father. He was always down there working on some project or another. Well on this particular day he had happened to be working on this clock, one that he had been tinkering with for well over a month.  An heirloom of my mother's family passed down for a few generations. She was heartbroken when it had suddenly and quite inexplicably had just stopped ticking. But my father, ever the handyman, said he could fix it. And so he set to it. He'd spend hours down there banging away. Occasionally I could hear the low rumble of a curse word floating up the stairs as he smashed his thumb for the umpteenth time.

Anyway. On this particular afternoon I was hanging out in his workshop with him, just keeping him company. When he finally fixed the clock! I remember sitting there, across the workbench and I had just happened to be looking right at the clock when it started ticking again. I yelled out, "Daddy! Daddy! Look! You fixed it!" He froze in place but I watched his eyes follow mine and land right on the hands of the clock and stare in astonishment as it ticked away "tick, tock, tick, tock, tick..." on it went. He dropped whatever tool had been in his hand and ran to the bottom of the stairs and joyously yelled for my mother, "Melody! Melody!! I've done it! I'VE DONE IT!! Come down here, quickly!" I listened as I heard footsteps along the floors above me and waited to hear her come barreling down the stairs as she so often did. And then, there she was. A heap of crazy curls streaming behind her as she took the stairs two at a time and landed square in my father's arms. He swept her over to me at the work bench. We were one big pile of smiles and giggles. And then a hush came over us. We held our collective breaths as we watched and listened. Tick tock. Tick tock. Tick tock... And on it went. I remember looking up at my mother after a while, because she was the first to break the silence. With a gasp. My father and I looked at her. Watched as she shed a tear. As graceful as graceful is.

I will never forget the look in my parents faces. And the words my father said to me, {"You see, Eli, anything is possible. You just have the strength to persevere through and the wisdom to know what is worth fighting for."} It was then, in that moment, looking from my mother to my father who were grinning at each other like teenagers, that I knew I had the strength to overcome my fear of my curse. I closed my eyes and focused their energy. When I opened them again I saw my parents as the elderly grandparents I hoped that they both would turn into one day. But no fear remained. They were still my parents. They were still grinning at each other. And then at me. I closed my eyes again. I opened them and my parents were exactly as they should be. That was the last day I referred to it as a curse and from that day on I called it my gift. 

For As To Keep Thee

You are hidden here,
Among these pages,
Because I love thee.
So, I shall keep thee.

For I know no other way
To keep thee.

So paper and ink shall keep thee.
Because paper and ink keep me.

In amongst the rips and tears,
Of these yellowed pages,
I shall find thee.
Hidden in plain sight.
For as to remind me,
That you are gone.

Gone from me.
Like that summer day,
Woefully out of reach-
As I mourn this winter storm.

I feel only one thing for you today,

Strangely.

I miss you.
I miss you like the upturned leaf misses the rain,
Raw and exposed. And waiting.

But the rain will never come.

Because this little leaf was torn away
And blown into the desert.

Raw and exposed and alone.
Poor little leaf.
She can't help but wait.

And yearn.
And miss.

And so today?
Today. I shall miss you.

March 31, 2014 

Memoria

I should delete it. 

It hurts to hear it. To remember.

I should delete it.

But I won't. 

Don't Hold Your Breath

I will never be done being angry at you.

I will never not be angry with you.

On Being Dumped (Past)

I think the thing that hurts the most isn't the heartache. Or the days gone by. Or the whole being "dumped" instead of being the "dumper".  No. It's really none of those things. It's the leftovers. It's the broken promises of "we'll stay friends", the "we'll stay in touch" 's. And I mean, of course things can't stay the same. There needs to be a little bit of time that passes in order to allow the healing process to start. But soon, weeks turn into months and you're not sure if it's been enough time. Is it too soon to call you to tell you about that job I finally landed? Too soon to text you that I nailed that recipe? The one where I almost burned half the kitchen down trying to "put the final touches on". Too soon to forward you that funny email about cats? Too much second guessing. So you don't. You don't call and you don't text and you don't email. Because what if it IS too soon and you think it's weird? And I show you my vulnerable side; my human side. Or you think I want you back? And then it gets weird and awkward and the moments that used to be filled with laughter and conversation are suddenly so empty and silent.  Would there be any moving past that? Would it be ruined? But you try anyway. Because you've got a good footing on where you stand and because you made the same promises back of "staying friends" and "staying in touch". Because despite the awkward pauses... your friend is in there somewhere. And maybe, just maybe, they're dying to tell you about something just as bad as you're dying to tell them something. Just maybe. Because you're an adult. And what's more is that you're a good friend. You realize that if you're missing your best friend as much as this, then perhaps they miss your friendship, too.

When a couple breaks apart the thing you hear most is how heartbroken they are. But there is always one person who hurts worse. And sometimes it's no one's fault; it's just how things happen.  both parties experience pain. It's never equal and it's never even. One person walks away feeling relieved and one person is left standing in the rain. 

What people don't realize is that there is so much more to a relationship. And to a break up. Relationships are more than soft kisses and gentle hugs and long nights entangled in the bed sheets. This person doesn't just become your boyfriend or your girlfriend; your husband or your wife. They become your partner. It doesn't take a lifelong commitment to make a partner of someone. This person whom you share long kisses with and tender embraces... they become your best friend. And it's understandable. Soon they're the person you spend most of your time with. Soon you're living together. You go to bed and wake up with each other. If you have a bad dream they're the person you wake up and tell and seek comfort from. They know your hopes and your dreams and your fears. They know you don't like onions on your burgers and that you like ranch with your french fries. They know that the part where Marley dies at the end of "Marley and Me" will make you cry like a little girl who just dropped her ice cream. And they don't judge you for it.

So you see, when you lose the relationship you really are losing so much more. You're losing your partner. Your significant other. Your best friend. It's an awful, awful feeling when you're kicked down to that level and all you want to do is call your best friend because they always know how to cheer you up... but you can't. Because they're the one who put you there. 

People think that when a relationship ends that all you're losing is steamy kisses and sex whenever you want it. But it's so much more. So yeah. Losing that stuff is painful. It's tragic and it takes a long time to heal from that. A long time to open up to someone new. A long time to trust someone enough to let them in deep enough to be your partner. Your best friend. To know that 'Marley and Me' secret. You might get over the heartache;  move on. And if you're very, VERY lucky, you'll find someone.

The most painful part isn't the lost kisses. It's the lost friendship. It's the broken promises of "we'll stay friends" and "we'll keep in touch". It's the being left behind. Because while you're wondering if calling is weird and if texts would be ignored because enough time hasn't passed... they're gone. They took their love and their friendship and forgot about you. Because weeks turned into months and then months turned into years. The moment has passed.

But I have a secret for you. They didn't call you. They didn't text you. They didn't email you. The story may be tragic, but you know what? It isn't your tragedy. It's theirs. Their loss. Their broken promises. And they'll carry that into the next relationship. And then the next one. And the next one.
And you know something?
You won't.

Be Merry Anway!

There will always be a million and one reasons to be sad and sometimes only but a handful of reasons to be happy these days.
Be happy anyway.

As the air around us starts to feel crisp and the holidays start to catch up with us we seem to find ourselves amidst that one Scrooge who bah-humbug's each and every merry passerby.
Be merry anyway.

For every adventure you embark on there are a hundred reasons why you shouldn't and a thousand risks to consider.
Be adventurous anyway. 

For every ounce of strength you show there will be someone, standing at the ready, waiting to put it to the test.
Show strength anyway.

For every bit of light that slips through your cracks there will be someone waiting to snuff it out.
Light the way anyway.

For every independent thought that you think there will be someone trying to control you.
Think independently anyway.

For every strong willed action that you make there will be someone waiting to tell you are wrong.
Be strong willed anyway.

For every truth that you speak there will be someone to call you a liar.
Tell the truth anyway.

For every belief that you  have there will always be a skeptic, waiting to disprove them.
Believe anyway.

For every time you speak up there will be someone trying to silence you.
Speak anyway.

In a world so full of sickness and sadness, famine and death; there are many reasons to be sorrowful , it is sometimes hard to find the beauty we crave for in order to be creative.
Find beauty anyway. Create something anyway.

For all of the love that you have, the World will always have double that in hatred.
Love anyway.

Life is hard. And what's more, it is fleeting. Sometimes it's gone in a flash and you never get the chance to regret anything. But sometimes it's slow and all you have time for is to think of and remember all of the things you have to be sorry about. All of the things you have to regret. All of the things left unsaid and undone. How unfinished you are and how you need more time. This is all we get. This one life. This one beautiful and ephemeral life. There are no redo's and there are no remake's. The time we are given is all the time we have to make things right. To make life what we want it to be. Don't waste the gift that we are given. So, BE happy and BE merry, for it truly is the best revenge, if nothing else.  Take adventures that might not lead to anywhere grand because it truly is about the journey. Have the strength to light your own path, to forge your own way, to be of your own sound mind for this takes courage! It takes bravery. It is no easy task but we all have the greatness inside of us. Be honest and know that believing in something doesn't make you weaker; it makes you stronger. And this too, requires courage. Never fail to speak up. No matter how many times it is misconstrued by other's. Never let another person shame you into silence. 

Lastly. Find the courage within yourself to see the beauty that you are surrounded by. For beauty is everywhere. You simply need to open your eyes. Really look. Really see. For love is never far behind beauty. There might be more hatred in this world but you mustn't forget that love is ten times as strong as hatred.  Never fail to be courageous. It takes bravery and it takes courage to know oneself. Being like everyone around you is easy. Being different; well now, that's hard. That takes strength. So hold on tight and be brave because I promise you the ride is worth it.