On Being Dumped (Past)

I think the thing that hurts the most isn't the heartache. Or the days gone by. Or the whole being "dumped" instead of being the "dumper".  No. It's really none of those things. It's the leftovers. It's the broken promises of "we'll stay friends", the "we'll stay in touch" 's. And I mean, of course things can't stay the same. There needs to be a little bit of time that passes in order to allow the healing process to start. But soon, weeks turn into months and you're not sure if it's been enough time. Is it too soon to call you to tell you about that job I finally landed? Too soon to text you that I nailed that recipe? The one where I almost burned half the kitchen down trying to "put the final touches on". Too soon to forward you that funny email about cats? Too much second guessing. So you don't. You don't call and you don't text and you don't email. Because what if it IS too soon and you think it's weird? And I show you my vulnerable side; my human side. Or you think I want you back? And then it gets weird and awkward and the moments that used to be filled with laughter and conversation are suddenly so empty and silent.  Would there be any moving past that? Would it be ruined? But you try anyway. Because you've got a good footing on where you stand and because you made the same promises back of "staying friends" and "staying in touch". Because despite the awkward pauses... your friend is in there somewhere. And maybe, just maybe, they're dying to tell you about something just as bad as you're dying to tell them something. Just maybe. Because you're an adult. And what's more is that you're a good friend. You realize that if you're missing your best friend as much as this, then perhaps they miss your friendship, too.

When a couple breaks apart the thing you hear most is how heartbroken they are. But there is always one person who hurts worse. And sometimes it's no one's fault; it's just how things happen.  both parties experience pain. It's never equal and it's never even. One person walks away feeling relieved and one person is left standing in the rain. 

What people don't realize is that there is so much more to a relationship. And to a break up. Relationships are more than soft kisses and gentle hugs and long nights entangled in the bed sheets. This person doesn't just become your boyfriend or your girlfriend; your husband or your wife. They become your partner. It doesn't take a lifelong commitment to make a partner of someone. This person whom you share long kisses with and tender embraces... they become your best friend. And it's understandable. Soon they're the person you spend most of your time with. Soon you're living together. You go to bed and wake up with each other. If you have a bad dream they're the person you wake up and tell and seek comfort from. They know your hopes and your dreams and your fears. They know you don't like onions on your burgers and that you like ranch with your french fries. They know that the part where Marley dies at the end of "Marley and Me" will make you cry like a little girl who just dropped her ice cream. And they don't judge you for it.

So you see, when you lose the relationship you really are losing so much more. You're losing your partner. Your significant other. Your best friend. It's an awful, awful feeling when you're kicked down to that level and all you want to do is call your best friend because they always know how to cheer you up... but you can't. Because they're the one who put you there. 

People think that when a relationship ends that all you're losing is steamy kisses and sex whenever you want it. But it's so much more. So yeah. Losing that stuff is painful. It's tragic and it takes a long time to heal from that. A long time to open up to someone new. A long time to trust someone enough to let them in deep enough to be your partner. Your best friend. To know that 'Marley and Me' secret. You might get over the heartache;  move on. And if you're very, VERY lucky, you'll find someone.

The most painful part isn't the lost kisses. It's the lost friendship. It's the broken promises of "we'll stay friends" and "we'll keep in touch". It's the being left behind. Because while you're wondering if calling is weird and if texts would be ignored because enough time hasn't passed... they're gone. They took their love and their friendship and forgot about you. Because weeks turned into months and then months turned into years. The moment has passed.

But I have a secret for you. They didn't call you. They didn't text you. They didn't email you. The story may be tragic, but you know what? It isn't your tragedy. It's theirs. Their loss. Their broken promises. And they'll carry that into the next relationship. And then the next one. And the next one.
And you know something?
You won't.

Be Merry Anway!

There will always be a million and one reasons to be sad and sometimes only but a handful of reasons to be happy these days.
Be happy anyway.

As the air around us starts to feel crisp and the holidays start to catch up with us we seem to find ourselves amidst that one Scrooge who bah-humbug's each and every merry passerby.
Be merry anyway.

For every adventure you embark on there are a hundred reasons why you shouldn't and a thousand risks to consider.
Be adventurous anyway. 

For every ounce of strength you show there will be someone, standing at the ready, waiting to put it to the test.
Show strength anyway.

For every bit of light that slips through your cracks there will be someone waiting to snuff it out.
Light the way anyway.

For every independent thought that you think there will be someone trying to control you.
Think independently anyway.

For every strong willed action that you make there will be someone waiting to tell you are wrong.
Be strong willed anyway.

For every truth that you speak there will be someone to call you a liar.
Tell the truth anyway.

For every belief that you  have there will always be a skeptic, waiting to disprove them.
Believe anyway.

For every time you speak up there will be someone trying to silence you.
Speak anyway.

In a world so full of sickness and sadness, famine and death; there are many reasons to be sorrowful , it is sometimes hard to find the beauty we crave for in order to be creative.
Find beauty anyway. Create something anyway.

For all of the love that you have, the World will always have double that in hatred.
Love anyway.

Life is hard. And what's more, it is fleeting. Sometimes it's gone in a flash and you never get the chance to regret anything. But sometimes it's slow and all you have time for is to think of and remember all of the things you have to be sorry about. All of the things you have to regret. All of the things left unsaid and undone. How unfinished you are and how you need more time. This is all we get. This one life. This one beautiful and ephemeral life. There are no redo's and there are no remake's. The time we are given is all the time we have to make things right. To make life what we want it to be. Don't waste the gift that we are given. So, BE happy and BE merry, for it truly is the best revenge, if nothing else.  Take adventures that might not lead to anywhere grand because it truly is about the journey. Have the strength to light your own path, to forge your own way, to be of your own sound mind for this takes courage! It takes bravery. It is no easy task but we all have the greatness inside of us. Be honest and know that believing in something doesn't make you weaker; it makes you stronger. And this too, requires courage. Never fail to speak up. No matter how many times it is misconstrued by other's. Never let another person shame you into silence. 

Lastly. Find the courage within yourself to see the beauty that you are surrounded by. For beauty is everywhere. You simply need to open your eyes. Really look. Really see. For love is never far behind beauty. There might be more hatred in this world but you mustn't forget that love is ten times as strong as hatred.  Never fail to be courageous. It takes bravery and it takes courage to know oneself. Being like everyone around you is easy. Being different; well now, that's hard. That takes strength. So hold on tight and be brave because I promise you the ride is worth it.

Magnum Opus

As a writer, there are, well, certain times in which writing comes naturally to a person. In order to write something beautiful, it must first be profound to you. While love is certainly profound and worthy of and responsible for amazing works of literature; it is heartache, pain and loss in which most writers find their magnum opus. Regret fueled by a broken heart gives birth to a writer's darkest inner being. When you can no longer deny yourself the thing that you need. The thing that is missing. The thing that has quelled the beast for so long. The more you want it, the farther it gets from your reach and the more recklessly you seek for something to replace it... My question is this: is this work of art, just below the surface, worth channeling your darker side for... to delve into and dabble amongst the memories... only to emerge forgotten once again?

My One True Happiness

Someone said something to me a few months ago that has stuck with me. I know everyone says to try and let go of the petty things that people say to you. But, I don't know, what this person said... It penetrated me. I truly believe that everything has truth in it. Every lie a person tells, no matter how far fetched, it had to have started somewhere, right? A liar, in a sense is a lot like a fiction writer. Both stories might be untrue but there is only so much our minds can fathom before we start to draw from what we know, and what does anyone know better than life?

I think that the human race, as a whole throughout time, has always had some pretty common goals. One of which being the strive towards self improvement. There is always room for improvement. Now, sometimes, I know people say mean things to one another simply to be hurtful. However, more often than not, it is the truth that hurts the most; cuts the deepest. With this in mind, I tend to spend a little time thinking back on the hurtful things or insulting things that are said to me and about me. Not to be confused with dwelling. I mean, you never know, maybe they're true and you've just always been in denial about it. I think it's therapeutic sometimes to try to see yourself the way another person might see you. Now, don't get me wrong, most of the time there really is nothing to be gained from this except maybe a headache but I don't see the harm in taking a closer look at yourself every now and again. Checks and balances. You just need to go into it with an open mind, a brave face, and an understanding of who you are. And you know, I really do try to look closer at myself when things like that come up. I don't do it out of shock or shame. I generally do believe that I am a good person and try to stay on a path that my loved ones would be proud of me for. But in the end, a little self improvement goes a long way.

However, what this person said to me; well, I've been trying to understand, I guess. This person was very dear to me once upon a time and I counted him among my closest of friends but alas, time changes us all. I used to think he knew me. The person I was deep down, but, well. I guess you could say I'm used to being wrong. We got into an argument and as the conversation ended, along with our friendship he signed off and bowed out of my life with these 4 words: "try to be happy". Which might not seem like much at first glace, but there is more in those words. When you tell someone to try to do something it is because they are not doing it already. When you tell someone to try harder it is because they are not trying hard enough. When you tell someone to try to breathe slowly it is because they are breathing too fast. And as such, when you tell someone to try to be happy it is because you think they are unhappy.

Let's get one thing straight. I am not a little girl. I am a woman. I am strong. I am independent. I am brave. I am courageous. I am fierce and I am passionate. I am hot headed and I am strong willed. I am stubborn. I am a fighter. I am loyal. I am loving. I am gentle. I am fragile and sensitive. I am ever changing. I am an open book and if you've ever wanted to know something all you've had to do is ask. I, like everyone else on this planet, am many, many things; but unhappy is not one of them. I have lived my life for me and for no one else. I am me. I am no one else.

I've fought a lot of wars, so to speak. Some were personal and some were not. I have always felt like a bit of an outsider, for someone my age. I've been through a lot and I've seen a lot. And I've lost a lot. But each loss has only burned it into my soul deeper and deeper- that life is fleeting. It is gone in the blink of an eye. You just never know when that last time will come where you lean into your mother's room and say "I love you mom" for the very last time. Carpe Diem. I know this better than anyone. Each loss I've been through I carry with me. Not to be morbid or to be depressed, but to rejoice; to remember. To keep the love that was there before the loss alive in my heart. There is always love present after a loss, but it is changed. For we are changed. We, as individuals are constantly changing and so the love that we have and carry changes with us. And yes, some days are harder than others. Some days I am sad. But being sad doesn't mean you're not happy and being happy doesn't mean you don't get sad. Being happy doesn't mean you can't feel sad or angry or upset. You feel sad or angry or upset BECAUSE you are happy. Think about it. If you were sad all the time it would just be your constant state and when sad things happened you would just continue on. A fish isn't wet until you take it out of the water. Being sad means that you miss something or someone and to miss something or someone means it gave you happiness at one point or another. We would not know happiness if we did not know what sadness was.

I was told once "It's okay to feel that way, do you know that, Nikki? It's okay to feel what you're feeling." No one had ever said that to me. All of my life people have told me to try to be happy, try to not be so angry all the time, try not to be so loud, try to not swear so much. All of my life these people have tried to tell me to try to be something different. They were so busy trying to change me, so busy trying to mold me into who they thought I should be that they missed out on the real me. They never got to actually know who I was.Who I am.

People will try to tell you what they think is best for you. They will try to tell you how to be happy. They will try to tell you exactly how much happy you need to be before you can be considered a "happy person". Well, I am here to tell you. They. Are. Wrong. They will tell you happiness comes from within, which is also wrong. Happiness comes from everything. It STARTS from within, but it doesn't stop there. Happiness is anywhere and everywhere and no one on this God given sphere has any right to tell where it comes from, how it gets there, or how much you need. They will tell you that people can't give you happiness that only you can give yourself happiness. Wrong. We are human. We are not machine. We need love, we need touch, we need to be nurtured. We NEED. We need each other. Yes, we need to be healthy about it, but that doesn't change the fact that we need each other. They will tell you it is weak to need. That it is weak to need someone when in fact that couldn't be father from the truth. To need another human being is one of the bravest things we can do. To need someone is to admit that we also feel the desire to be needed. To need someone takes courage. To give yourself over to another human being; in any manner of speaking; to open up in that way, that takes real strength. There is nothing weak about that. And there never was. Happiness is there if you want it. But what people don't always understand is that not everyone might want it. And no one can tell another person what they want. No one can make you want something that you didn't already want to begin with. I just wish people would take the time to understand that.

I'm not writing this to whine or to bash anyone. I'm writing this to share my experience. That is generally the reason I write. When I learn something, I want to share it! I understand that what's right for me might not be right for someone else, but in the off chance my words might make someone smile, or laugh... Isn't that worth it?

If I am sad some days it is because I am missing someone or something. I have a lot to miss. We all do. And so we miss them. We carry their love with us day in and day out. We rejoice in the time we got with them and we remember. We always remember. Try to be happy? I don't have to try; because you don't know me and now I see that you never did. My given name is Sara Nikia Barnes but my friends call me Nikki; and I am here to tell you, I am happy. And no one can tell me any different.

Per Essere Visto

It's funny really. The things that people say. Funny because they never say what they actually mean. I had a friend, a really good friend. The kind of friend who knows you better than you know yourself. This friend never judged me when I got upset. Didn't care why I was upset to begin with, didn't try to rationalize it away like most people do. This friend simply listened. Which is all anyone ever wants in the end anyways. Just a person to sit by them with enough respect to put aside their own needs for attention to really be able to focus and listen with an open heart. For you need more than just your ears to truly listen to a person. My point is, I had this in someone. Had being the opperative word. I suppose I've found two people like this. Found. And lost.

It's funny because both parties are never aware of just how special the friendship is until it's gone. Hell, most of the time one party never realizes it. And what's more is that peolpe rarely realize the gift they are giving. Someone once said to me "I would like to treat you better than I have been treating you." I couldn't reply. To think that this person was mistreating me when in fact they were one of the few people who were treating me kindly and resectfully; of all the people in my life. I no longer speak to this person. They dropped off the planet; too busy with their own life I guess. It's the fact that they were such a good friend when they thought they weren't and now that they're not being a good friend anymore I'm sure they think nothing of it.

I will never understand people. Never. Never...

I am ever, always, invisible.

Odisse

... I think I hate you.

What It Means To Have Roots

Here's the thing. Those roads, those neighborhoods... They're mine. Always have been. I belong to them as much as they belong to me. I am part of it, as it is part of  me. No matter where my address may take me, that will be my home.

I met the most important person of my life right on those roads. She would change the very essence of my life in two seconds. Just two short seconds. She changed my life. Forever. Just as much a part of me as I am of her. To find a friend like that... To find a piece of your very own soul, in someone else. It is a rarity that I will never, as long as there is breath in my lungs, take for granted.  

I learned to ride a bike on those backwater roads. I learned to believe in ghosts as I ran, screaming from the "haunted" house on the top of the hill. I know all the best trees to climb and all the really good shady spots if you want to sit in the quiet breeze and read. I learned to cook at good ol' 26. And not only to cook, but to truly enjoy cooking and truly relish in what it meant to eat delicious food. I was taught secret family recipes. I learned that a good meal could not only fill the stomach, but calm the mind, comfort the soul. I learned that the joy was not only in eating the delicious food, but also in watching those around you enjoy the meal you worked hard to cook. The way their faces light up when the scrumptious portions hit their taste buds for the first time... It is an irreplaceable feeling to be sure.

I learned to swim in that small freshwater pond and have spent countless hours basking in the sun's rays on those sands. I learned to fish on it's waters edge and hooked my first live one. I shared my first kiss with a boy in the grass just before the sands of this beach under a blanket of stars on a warm summer night. My first job was working as a beach guard for this wonderful little beach. Not only was it a great job, lounging in the sun all day; I got to share it with my very best friend in the whole world. I found God on those shores, in the quiet of the early mornings, hours before the heat beckoned a soul to seek out the relief of it's cool waters. I had great many a conversation with Him during those two summers. Sitting on the sand, listening to the breeze rock the trees and push at the water's edge; humming me a Godly lullaby.

I fell in love for the first time in my life; with those familiar walls around me. Heard the words 'I love you' reverberate around a room I knew so well. Knowing it was the first time a man had said it to me... Meaning each letter. Those walls also held me together when the heartbreak of it threatened to tear me apart. I'd left that place only once. Angry, hurt, abandoned. Vowing never to return. Convincing myself I didn't need it- I'd be just fine without it. The thing about lying to yourself though, is it always comes back to haunt you. And trust me when I say, there is no escaping it. But I told myself everything would be okay. I had found a new family, or perhaps something close enough. And I was truly happy for a time. But like always, Life finds a way to get into the way, so to speak, and my fragile world came crashing down around me. Angry, hurt and abandoned once more, I had no place left to go. No place, but home.

And to my beautiful amazement it welcomed me back with arms wide open. It was almost as if I'd never left in the first place. The roads were the same, with their familiar dips, twists and turns. The houses that lined the street still smiled at me as I drove past; silently welcoming me back, reminding me that I was home. Reminding me that they were mine and I, theirs. Dear ol' 26.

I said goodbye to my mother for the very last time within those walls. I leaned into her room, said good morning for the very last time. I walked in, kissed her forehead and said "I love you, mom" for the last time in my life. And heard her voice resound, one final time, "I love you too, honey." She passed peacefully in her sleep three days later, in her own bed, in her own home, filled with love. In my good ol' 26. My home. Our home.

You may not be my address anymore, but you will always, always be my home. You were my beginning. You were my rock. You held me together when everything else fell apart. My happiest of memories are there. My roots are deeply planted there, my love; there and no where else.

Lost

Seeing you... was hard. Walking past you was even harder. I wanted nothing more than to meld into the wall I pressed against. Become part of it. Become invisible. Erase the space where I stood and the pain in that place...

Impossible.

Loving him, means missing you.

I'm not so sure it's an even trade anymore.

If Only...

So many 'if only's' drift in my mind. So many second chances yet to play out... that will never play out. Afterall, why would anyone bother giving me a second chance?

Why bother...

Mind's eye.

I've been reading a lot. I guess it helps me to let go. Helps to ease the pain. Its been a tough week. Had a bit of a breakdown in the beginning. It's smoothed out though and ending on a pretty good note. I haven't been dreaming much. Little things here and there; snippits that are hard to recall once I wake up until something or someone reminds of it. Funny how dreams can be like that, huh? The other night I dreamed of sinking teepee's. Well, not sinking, but they were submerged in water. But it didn't seem like a sad thing anymore than it seemed to be a deliberate thing. It was a weird thing; almost beautiful. I had traveled a long way to see these half sunken teepees. There was crystal blue water al around and lush forests. Warm breeze blew in and a big open sky with small mountains in the distance. It was a pleasent dream to be sure. I don't get many of those... pleasent dreams.

Dimitte

There was never any question as to forgiving you. For a question implies more than one possibility. A question could result in a negative answer; in doubt. There was never any doubt. I forgave you the moment it happened. 8. Always, 8. That has not changed.

I see now it never will.

How Moving

An Old Lady's Poem

What do you see, nurses, what do you see?
What are you thinking when you're looking at me?
A crabby old woman, not very wise,
Uncertain of habit, with faraway eyes?
Who dribbles her food and makes no reply
When you say in a loud voice, "I do wish you'd try!"
Who seems not to notice the things that you do,
And forever is losing a stocking or shoe.....
Who, resisting or not, lets you do as you will,
With bathing and feeding, the long day to fill....
Is that what you're thinking? Is that what you see?
Then open your eyes, nurse; you're not looking at me.

I'll tell you who I am as I sit here so still,
As I do at your bidding, as I eat at your will.
I'm a small child of ten ...with a father and mother,
Brothers and sisters, who love one another.
A young girl of sixteen, with wings on her feet,
Dreaming that soon now a lover she'll meet.
A bride soon at twenty -- my heart gives a leap,
Remembering the vows that I promised to keep.
At twenty-five now, I have young of my own,
Who need me to guide and a secure happy home.
A woman of thirty, my young now grown fast,
Bound to each other with ties that should last.
At forty, my young sons have grown and are gone,
But my man's beside me to see I don't mourn.
At fifty once more, babies play round my knee,
Again we know children, my loved one and me.
Dark days are upon me, my husband is dead;
I look at the future, I shudder with dread.
For my young are all rearing young of their own,
And I think of the years and the love that I've known.

I'm now an old woman ...and nature is cruel;
'Tis jest to make old age look like a fool.
The body, it crumbles, grace and vigor depart,
There is now a stone where I once had a heart.
But inside this old carcass a young girl still dwells,
And now and again my battered heart swells.
I remember the joys, I remember the pain,
And I'm loving and living life over again.
I think of the years ....all too few, gone too fast,
And accept the stark fact that nothing can last.

So open your eyes, nurses, open and see,
...Not a crabby old woman; look closer ...see ME!

A Part

I feel completely left out of this world... Your world.

I like what the world becomes when it's just you and I. That I understand. That I feel at least a little part of...

Pendo

There is only a single person in my life that values me in the exact way I value her...

Each day is only a constant reminder of how valueless I am to everyone else around me...

43rd Chapter

God I miss you so much.

There are no words for this feeling.

Left Out...

And then I'm like...

That'll never be me.



Silly girl; whatever was I thinking.

Amicus

Dear people in my life.

I am who I am. I am not perfect and if you’re expecting me to be then know this: I will not be apologizing to you when you find out just how imperfect I am. If you care about me, then tell me. If you are angry with me, confront me. If I am sad, comfort me. If I am wrong, correct me. If I am lost, please find me. If I am cold, cover me. If I am waiting on Time, wait with me. If you love me, do not judge me for not being exactly what you want. If I am angry, ask me why. If I am happy, ask to share in it. If I need saving, please find me worthy of it…

Mendax

How many different ways can you paint me a liar before you run out of fuel? How many ways can you paint me a liar before people begin to realize that it is not I who is the liar. But you.

So As To Remember...

If someone were to ask me, what does this man mean to you?
I would tell them, bold voiced and straight faced,
He is the man of another woman’s dreams whose arms alone, could conquer all fears,
And to me he is a hero, a beautiful soul’d kind of a man, a best friend of mine,
And that who I am to argue, but to know, he was so God willingly placed.

Balance

The love I give is never even. It is never balanced. It is either unrequited or quite clear that I love more deeply. And so I learn how to distance myself from people. You think a gal would learn after so many times- too many times, of being taken advantage of. It seems though, that I’ll be a sucker for that last glimmer of hope. That last shot where you say to yourself “maybe it’ll be different this time…” But it never is.
And I will never learn.