Don't Hold Your Breath

I will never be done being angry at you.

I will never not be angry with you.

On Being Dumped (Past)

I think the thing that hurts the most isn't the heartache. Or the days gone by. Or the whole being "dumped" instead of being the "dumper".  No. It's really none of those things. It's the leftovers. It's the broken promises of "we'll stay friends", the "we'll stay in touch" 's. And I mean, of course things can't stay the same. There needs to be a little bit of time that passes in order to allow the healing process to start. But soon, weeks turn into months and you're not sure if it's been enough time. Is it too soon to call you to tell you about that job I finally landed? Too soon to text you that I nailed that recipe? The one where I almost burned half the kitchen down trying to "put the final touches on". Too soon to forward you that funny email about cats? Too much second guessing. So you don't. You don't call and you don't text and you don't email. Because what if it IS too soon and you think it's weird? And I show you my vulnerable side; my human side. Or you think I want you back? And then it gets weird and awkward and the moments that used to be filled with laughter and conversation are suddenly so empty and silent.  Would there be any moving past that? Would it be ruined? But you try anyway. Because you've got a good footing on where you stand and because you made the same promises back of "staying friends" and "staying in touch". Because despite the awkward pauses... your friend is in there somewhere. And maybe, just maybe, they're dying to tell you about something just as bad as you're dying to tell them something. Just maybe. Because you're an adult. And what's more is that you're a good friend. You realize that if you're missing your best friend as much as this, then perhaps they miss your friendship, too.

When a couple breaks apart the thing you hear most is how heartbroken they are. But there is always one person who hurts worse. And sometimes it's no one's fault; it's just how things happen.  both parties experience pain. It's never equal and it's never even. One person walks away feeling relieved and one person is left standing in the rain. 

What people don't realize is that there is so much more to a relationship. And to a break up. Relationships are more than soft kisses and gentle hugs and long nights entangled in the bed sheets. This person doesn't just become your boyfriend or your girlfriend; your husband or your wife. They become your partner. It doesn't take a lifelong commitment to make a partner of someone. This person whom you share long kisses with and tender embraces... they become your best friend. And it's understandable. Soon they're the person you spend most of your time with. Soon you're living together. You go to bed and wake up with each other. If you have a bad dream they're the person you wake up and tell and seek comfort from. They know your hopes and your dreams and your fears. They know you don't like onions on your burgers and that you like ranch with your french fries. They know that the part where Marley dies at the end of "Marley and Me" will make you cry like a little girl who just dropped her ice cream. And they don't judge you for it.

So you see, when you lose the relationship you really are losing so much more. You're losing your partner. Your significant other. Your best friend. It's an awful, awful feeling when you're kicked down to that level and all you want to do is call your best friend because they always know how to cheer you up... but you can't. Because they're the one who put you there. 

People think that when a relationship ends that all you're losing is steamy kisses and sex whenever you want it. But it's so much more. So yeah. Losing that stuff is painful. It's tragic and it takes a long time to heal from that. A long time to open up to someone new. A long time to trust someone enough to let them in deep enough to be your partner. Your best friend. To know that 'Marley and Me' secret. You might get over the heartache;  move on. And if you're very, VERY lucky, you'll find someone.

The most painful part isn't the lost kisses. It's the lost friendship. It's the broken promises of "we'll stay friends" and "we'll keep in touch". It's the being left behind. Because while you're wondering if calling is weird and if texts would be ignored because enough time hasn't passed... they're gone. They took their love and their friendship and forgot about you. Because weeks turned into months and then months turned into years. The moment has passed.

But I have a secret for you. They didn't call you. They didn't text you. They didn't email you. The story may be tragic, but you know what? It isn't your tragedy. It's theirs. Their loss. Their broken promises. And they'll carry that into the next relationship. And then the next one. And the next one.
And you know something?
You won't.

Be Merry Anway!

There will always be a million and one reasons to be sad and sometimes only but a handful of reasons to be happy these days.
Be happy anyway.

As the air around us starts to feel crisp and the holidays start to catch up with us we seem to find ourselves amidst that one Scrooge who bah-humbug's each and every merry passerby.
Be merry anyway.

For every adventure you embark on there are a hundred reasons why you shouldn't and a thousand risks to consider.
Be adventurous anyway. 

For every ounce of strength you show there will be someone, standing at the ready, waiting to put it to the test.
Show strength anyway.

For every bit of light that slips through your cracks there will be someone waiting to snuff it out.
Light the way anyway.

For every independent thought that you think there will be someone trying to control you.
Think independently anyway.

For every strong willed action that you make there will be someone waiting to tell you are wrong.
Be strong willed anyway.

For every truth that you speak there will be someone to call you a liar.
Tell the truth anyway.

For every belief that you  have there will always be a skeptic, waiting to disprove them.
Believe anyway.

For every time you speak up there will be someone trying to silence you.
Speak anyway.

In a world so full of sickness and sadness, famine and death; there are many reasons to be sorrowful , it is sometimes hard to find the beauty we crave for in order to be creative.
Find beauty anyway. Create something anyway.

For all of the love that you have, the World will always have double that in hatred.
Love anyway.

Life is hard. And what's more, it is fleeting. Sometimes it's gone in a flash and you never get the chance to regret anything. But sometimes it's slow and all you have time for is to think of and remember all of the things you have to be sorry about. All of the things you have to regret. All of the things left unsaid and undone. How unfinished you are and how you need more time. This is all we get. This one life. This one beautiful and ephemeral life. There are no redo's and there are no remake's. The time we are given is all the time we have to make things right. To make life what we want it to be. Don't waste the gift that we are given. So, BE happy and BE merry, for it truly is the best revenge, if nothing else.  Take adventures that might not lead to anywhere grand because it truly is about the journey. Have the strength to light your own path, to forge your own way, to be of your own sound mind for this takes courage! It takes bravery. It is no easy task but we all have the greatness inside of us. Be honest and know that believing in something doesn't make you weaker; it makes you stronger. And this too, requires courage. Never fail to speak up. No matter how many times it is misconstrued by other's. Never let another person shame you into silence. 

Lastly. Find the courage within yourself to see the beauty that you are surrounded by. For beauty is everywhere. You simply need to open your eyes. Really look. Really see. For love is never far behind beauty. There might be more hatred in this world but you mustn't forget that love is ten times as strong as hatred.  Never fail to be courageous. It takes bravery and it takes courage to know oneself. Being like everyone around you is easy. Being different; well now, that's hard. That takes strength. So hold on tight and be brave because I promise you the ride is worth it.

Magnum Opus

As a writer, there are, well, certain times in which writing comes naturally to a person. In order to write something beautiful, it must first be profound to you. While love is certainly profound and worthy of and responsible for amazing works of literature; it is heartache, pain and loss in which most writers find their magnum opus. Regret fueled by a broken heart gives birth to a writer's darkest inner being. When you can no longer deny yourself the thing that you need. The thing that is missing. The thing that has quelled the beast for so long. The more you want it, the farther it gets from your reach and the more recklessly you seek for something to replace it... My question is this: is this work of art, just below the surface, worth channeling your darker side for... to delve into and dabble amongst the memories... only to emerge forgotten once again?

My One True Happiness

Someone said something to me a few months ago that has stuck with me. I know everyone says to try and let go of the petty things that people say to you. But, I don't know, what this person said... It penetrated me. I truly believe that everything has truth in it. Every lie a person tells, no matter how far fetched, it had to have started somewhere, right? A liar, in a sense is a lot like a fiction writer. Both stories might be untrue but there is only so much our minds can fathom before we start to draw from what we know, and what does anyone know better than life?

I think that the human race, as a whole throughout time, has always had some pretty common goals. One of which being the strive towards self improvement. There is always room for improvement. Now, sometimes, I know people say mean things to one another simply to be hurtful. However, more often than not, it is the truth that hurts the most; cuts the deepest. With this in mind, I tend to spend a little time thinking back on the hurtful things or insulting things that are said to me and about me. Not to be confused with dwelling. I mean, you never know, maybe they're true and you've just always been in denial about it. I think it's therapeutic sometimes to try to see yourself the way another person might see you. Now, don't get me wrong, most of the time there really is nothing to be gained from this except maybe a headache but I don't see the harm in taking a closer look at yourself every now and again. Checks and balances. You just need to go into it with an open mind, a brave face, and an understanding of who you are. And you know, I really do try to look closer at myself when things like that come up. I don't do it out of shock or shame. I generally do believe that I am a good person and try to stay on a path that my loved ones would be proud of me for. But in the end, a little self improvement goes a long way.

However, what this person said to me; well, I've been trying to understand, I guess. This person was very dear to me once upon a time and I counted him among my closest of friends but alas, time changes us all. I used to think he knew me. The person I was deep down, but, well. I guess you could say I'm used to being wrong. We got into an argument and as the conversation ended, along with our friendship he signed off and bowed out of my life with these 4 words: "try to be happy". Which might not seem like much at first glace, but there is more in those words. When you tell someone to try to do something it is because they are not doing it already. When you tell someone to try harder it is because they are not trying hard enough. When you tell someone to try to breathe slowly it is because they are breathing too fast. And as such, when you tell someone to try to be happy it is because you think they are unhappy.

Let's get one thing straight. I am not a little girl. I am a woman. I am strong. I am independent. I am brave. I am courageous. I am fierce and I am passionate. I am hot headed and I am strong willed. I am stubborn. I am a fighter. I am loyal. I am loving. I am gentle. I am fragile and sensitive. I am ever changing. I am an open book and if you've ever wanted to know something all you've had to do is ask. I, like everyone else on this planet, am many, many things; but unhappy is not one of them. I have lived my life for me and for no one else. I am me. I am no one else.

I've fought a lot of wars, so to speak. Some were personal and some were not. I have always felt like a bit of an outsider, for someone my age. I've been through a lot and I've seen a lot. And I've lost a lot. But each loss has only burned it into my soul deeper and deeper- that life is fleeting. It is gone in the blink of an eye. You just never know when that last time will come where you lean into your mother's room and say "I love you mom" for the very last time. Carpe Diem. I know this better than anyone. Each loss I've been through I carry with me. Not to be morbid or to be depressed, but to rejoice; to remember. To keep the love that was there before the loss alive in my heart. There is always love present after a loss, but it is changed. For we are changed. We, as individuals are constantly changing and so the love that we have and carry changes with us. And yes, some days are harder than others. Some days I am sad. But being sad doesn't mean you're not happy and being happy doesn't mean you don't get sad. Being happy doesn't mean you can't feel sad or angry or upset. You feel sad or angry or upset BECAUSE you are happy. Think about it. If you were sad all the time it would just be your constant state and when sad things happened you would just continue on. A fish isn't wet until you take it out of the water. Being sad means that you miss something or someone and to miss something or someone means it gave you happiness at one point or another. We would not know happiness if we did not know what sadness was.

I was told once "It's okay to feel that way, do you know that, Nikki? It's okay to feel what you're feeling." No one had ever said that to me. All of my life people have told me to try to be happy, try to not be so angry all the time, try not to be so loud, try to not swear so much. All of my life these people have tried to tell me to try to be something different. They were so busy trying to change me, so busy trying to mold me into who they thought I should be that they missed out on the real me. They never got to actually know who I was.Who I am.

People will try to tell you what they think is best for you. They will try to tell you how to be happy. They will try to tell you exactly how much happy you need to be before you can be considered a "happy person". Well, I am here to tell you. They. Are. Wrong. They will tell you happiness comes from within, which is also wrong. Happiness comes from everything. It STARTS from within, but it doesn't stop there. Happiness is anywhere and everywhere and no one on this God given sphere has any right to tell where it comes from, how it gets there, or how much you need. They will tell you that people can't give you happiness that only you can give yourself happiness. Wrong. We are human. We are not machine. We need love, we need touch, we need to be nurtured. We NEED. We need each other. Yes, we need to be healthy about it, but that doesn't change the fact that we need each other. They will tell you it is weak to need. That it is weak to need someone when in fact that couldn't be father from the truth. To need another human being is one of the bravest things we can do. To need someone is to admit that we also feel the desire to be needed. To need someone takes courage. To give yourself over to another human being; in any manner of speaking; to open up in that way, that takes real strength. There is nothing weak about that. And there never was. Happiness is there if you want it. But what people don't always understand is that not everyone might want it. And no one can tell another person what they want. No one can make you want something that you didn't already want to begin with. I just wish people would take the time to understand that.

I'm not writing this to whine or to bash anyone. I'm writing this to share my experience. That is generally the reason I write. When I learn something, I want to share it! I understand that what's right for me might not be right for someone else, but in the off chance my words might make someone smile, or laugh... Isn't that worth it?

If I am sad some days it is because I am missing someone or something. I have a lot to miss. We all do. And so we miss them. We carry their love with us day in and day out. We rejoice in the time we got with them and we remember. We always remember. Try to be happy? I don't have to try; because you don't know me and now I see that you never did. My given name is Sara Nikia Barnes but my friends call me Nikki; and I am here to tell you, I am happy. And no one can tell me any different.

Per Essere Visto

It's funny really. The things that people say. Funny because they never say what they actually mean. I had a friend, a really good friend. The kind of friend who knows you better than you know yourself. This friend never judged me when I got upset. Didn't care why I was upset to begin with, didn't try to rationalize it away like most people do. This friend simply listened. Which is all anyone ever wants in the end anyways. Just a person to sit by them with enough respect to put aside their own needs for attention to really be able to focus and listen with an open heart. For you need more than just your ears to truly listen to a person. My point is, I had this in someone. Had being the opperative word. I suppose I've found two people like this. Found. And lost.

It's funny because both parties are never aware of just how special the friendship is until it's gone. Hell, most of the time one party never realizes it. And what's more is that peolpe rarely realize the gift they are giving. Someone once said to me "I would like to treat you better than I have been treating you." I couldn't reply. To think that this person was mistreating me when in fact they were one of the few people who were treating me kindly and resectfully; of all the people in my life. I no longer speak to this person. They dropped off the planet; too busy with their own life I guess. It's the fact that they were such a good friend when they thought they weren't and now that they're not being a good friend anymore I'm sure they think nothing of it.

I will never understand people. Never. Never...

I am ever, always, invisible.

Odisse

... I think I hate you.