My One True Happiness

Someone said something to me a few months ago that has stuck with me. I know everyone says to try and let go of the petty things that people say to you. But, I don't know, what this person said... It penetrated me. I truly believe that everything has truth in it. Every lie a person tells, no matter how far fetched, it had to have started somewhere, right? A liar, in a sense is a lot like a fiction writer. Both stories might be untrue but there is only so much our minds can fathom before we start to draw from what we know, and what does anyone know better than life?

I think that the human race, as a whole throughout time, has always had some pretty common goals. One of which being the strive towards self improvement. There is always room for improvement. Now, sometimes, I know people say mean things to one another simply to be hurtful. However, more often than not, it is the truth that hurts the most; cuts the deepest. With this in mind, I tend to spend a little time thinking back on the hurtful things or insulting things that are said to me and about me. Not to be confused with dwelling. I mean, you never know, maybe they're true and you've just always been in denial about it. I think it's therapeutic sometimes to try to see yourself the way another person might see you. Now, don't get me wrong, most of the time there really is nothing to be gained from this except maybe a headache but I don't see the harm in taking a closer look at yourself every now and again. Checks and balances. You just need to go into it with an open mind, a brave face, and an understanding of who you are. And you know, I really do try to look closer at myself when things like that come up. I don't do it out of shock or shame. I generally do believe that I am a good person and try to stay on a path that my loved ones would be proud of me for. But in the end, a little self improvement goes a long way.

However, what this person said to me; well, I've been trying to understand, I guess. This person was very dear to me once upon a time and I counted him among my closest of friends but alas, time changes us all. I used to think he knew me. The person I was deep down, but, well. I guess you could say I'm used to being wrong. We got into an argument and as the conversation ended, along with our friendship he signed off and bowed out of my life with these 4 words: "try to be happy". Which might not seem like much at first glace, but there is more in those words. When you tell someone to try to do something it is because they are not doing it already. When you tell someone to try harder it is because they are not trying hard enough. When you tell someone to try to breathe slowly it is because they are breathing too fast. And as such, when you tell someone to try to be happy it is because you think they are unhappy.

Let's get one thing straight. I am not a little girl. I am a woman. I am strong. I am independent. I am brave. I am courageous. I am fierce and I am passionate. I am hot headed and I am strong willed. I am stubborn. I am a fighter. I am loyal. I am loving. I am gentle. I am fragile and sensitive. I am ever changing. I am an open book and if you've ever wanted to know something all you've had to do is ask. I, like everyone else on this planet, am many, many things; but unhappy is not one of them. I have lived my life for me and for no one else. I am me. I am no one else.

I've fought a lot of wars, so to speak. Some were personal and some were not. I have always felt like a bit of an outsider, for someone my age. I've been through a lot and I've seen a lot. And I've lost a lot. But each loss has only burned it into my soul deeper and deeper- that life is fleeting. It is gone in the blink of an eye. You just never know when that last time will come where you lean into your mother's room and say "I love you mom" for the very last time. Carpe Diem. I know this better than anyone. Each loss I've been through I carry with me. Not to be morbid or to be depressed, but to rejoice; to remember. To keep the love that was there before the loss alive in my heart. There is always love present after a loss, but it is changed. For we are changed. We, as individuals are constantly changing and so the love that we have and carry changes with us. And yes, some days are harder than others. Some days I am sad. But being sad doesn't mean you're not happy and being happy doesn't mean you don't get sad. Being happy doesn't mean you can't feel sad or angry or upset. You feel sad or angry or upset BECAUSE you are happy. Think about it. If you were sad all the time it would just be your constant state and when sad things happened you would just continue on. A fish isn't wet until you take it out of the water. Being sad means that you miss something or someone and to miss something or someone means it gave you happiness at one point or another. We would not know happiness if we did not know what sadness was.

I was told once "It's okay to feel that way, do you know that, Nikki? It's okay to feel what you're feeling." No one had ever said that to me. All of my life people have told me to try to be happy, try to not be so angry all the time, try not to be so loud, try to not swear so much. All of my life these people have tried to tell me to try to be something different. They were so busy trying to change me, so busy trying to mold me into who they thought I should be that they missed out on the real me. They never got to actually know who I was.Who I am.

People will try to tell you what they think is best for you. They will try to tell you how to be happy. They will try to tell you exactly how much happy you need to be before you can be considered a "happy person". Well, I am here to tell you. They. Are. Wrong. They will tell you happiness comes from within, which is also wrong. Happiness comes from everything. It STARTS from within, but it doesn't stop there. Happiness is anywhere and everywhere and no one on this God given sphere has any right to tell where it comes from, how it gets there, or how much you need. They will tell you that people can't give you happiness that only you can give yourself happiness. Wrong. We are human. We are not machine. We need love, we need touch, we need to be nurtured. We NEED. We need each other. Yes, we need to be healthy about it, but that doesn't change the fact that we need each other. They will tell you it is weak to need. That it is weak to need someone when in fact that couldn't be father from the truth. To need another human being is one of the bravest things we can do. To need someone is to admit that we also feel the desire to be needed. To need someone takes courage. To give yourself over to another human being; in any manner of speaking; to open up in that way, that takes real strength. There is nothing weak about that. And there never was. Happiness is there if you want it. But what people don't always understand is that not everyone might want it. And no one can tell another person what they want. No one can make you want something that you didn't already want to begin with. I just wish people would take the time to understand that.

I'm not writing this to whine or to bash anyone. I'm writing this to share my experience. That is generally the reason I write. When I learn something, I want to share it! I understand that what's right for me might not be right for someone else, but in the off chance my words might make someone smile, or laugh... Isn't that worth it?

If I am sad some days it is because I am missing someone or something. I have a lot to miss. We all do. And so we miss them. We carry their love with us day in and day out. We rejoice in the time we got with them and we remember. We always remember. Try to be happy? I don't have to try; because you don't know me and now I see that you never did. My given name is Sara Nikia Barnes but my friends call me Nikki; and I am here to tell you, I am happy. And no one can tell me any different.