After all, I am a pro.

Thursday, April 18, 2013

What It Means To Have Roots

Here's the thing. Those roads, those neighborhoods... They're mine. Always have been. I belong to them as much as they belong to me. I am part of it, as it is part of  me. No matter where my address may take me, that will be my home.

I met the most important person of my life right on those roads. She would change the very essence of my life in two seconds. Just two short seconds. She changed my life. Forever. Just as much a part of me as I am of her. To find a friend like that... To find a piece of your very own soul, in someone else. It is a rarity that I will never, as long as there is breath in my lungs, take for granted.  

I learned to ride a bike on those backwater roads. I learned to believe in ghosts as I ran, screaming from the "haunted" house on the top of the hill. I know all the best trees to climb and all the really good shady spots if you want to sit in the quiet breeze and read. I learned to cook at good ol' 26. And not only to cook, but to truly enjoy cooking and truly relish in what it meant to eat delicious food. I was taught secret family recipes. I learned that a good meal could not only fill the stomach, but calm the mind, comfort the soul. I learned that the joy was not only in eating the delicious food, but also in watching those around you enjoy the meal you worked hard to cook. The way their faces light up when the scrumptious portions hit their taste buds for the first time... It is an irreplaceable feeling to be sure.

I learned to swim in that small freshwater pond and have spent countless hours basking in the sun's rays on those sands. I learned to fish on it's waters edge and hooked my first live one. I shared my first kiss with a boy in the grass just before the sands of this beach under a blanket of stars on a warm summer night. My first job was working as a beach guard for this wonderful little beach. Not only was it a great job, lounging in the sun all day; I got to share it with my very best friend in the whole world. I found God on those shores, in the quiet of the early mornings, hours before the heat beckoned a soul to seek out the relief of it's cool waters. I had great many a conversation with Him during those two summers. Sitting on the sand, listening to the breeze rock the trees and push at the water's edge; humming me a Godly lullaby.

I fell in love for the first time in my life; with those familiar walls around me. Heard the words 'I love you' reverberate around a room I knew so well. Knowing it was the first time a man had said it to me... Meaning each letter. Those walls also held me together when the heartbreak of it threatened to tear me apart. I'd left that place only once. Angry, hurt, abandoned. Vowing never to return. Convincing myself I didn't need it- I'd be just fine without it. The thing about lying to yourself though, is it always comes back to haunt you. And trust me when I say, there is no escaping it. But I told myself everything would be okay. I had found a new family, or perhaps something close enough. And I was truly happy for a time. But like always, Life finds a way to get into the way, so to speak, and my fragile world came crashing down around me. Angry, hurt and abandoned once more, I had no place left to go. No place, but home.

And to my beautiful amazement it welcomed me back with arms wide open. It was almost as if I'd never left in the first place. The roads were the same, with their familiar dips, twists and turns. The houses that lined the street still smiled at me as I drove past; silently welcoming me back, reminding me that I was home. Reminding me that they were mine and I, theirs. Dear ol' 26.

I said goodbye to my mother for the very last time within those walls. I leaned into her room, said good morning for the very last time. I walked in, kissed her forehead and said "I love you, mom" for the last time in my life. And heard her voice resound, one final time, "I love you too, honey." She passed peacefully in her sleep three days later, in her own bed, in her own home, filled with love. In my good ol' 26. My home. Our home.

You may not be my address anymore, but you will always, always be my home. You were my beginning. You were my rock. You held me together when everything else fell apart. My happiest of memories are there. My roots are deeply planted there, my love; there and no where else.

Thursday, April 4, 2013

Lost

Seeing you... was hard. Walking past you was even harder. I wanted nothing more than to meld into the wall I pressed against. Become part of it. Become invisible. Erase the space where I stood and the pain in that place...

Impossible.

Loving him, means missing you.

I'm not so sure it's an even trade anymore.

Sunday, March 17, 2013

If Only...

So many 'if only's' drift in my mind. So many second chances yet to play out... that will never play out. Afterall, why would anyone bother giving me a second chance?

Why bother...

Friday, March 15, 2013

Mind's eye.

I've been reading a lot. I guess it helps me to let go. Helps to ease the pain. Its been a tough week. Had a bit of a breakdown in the beginning. It's smoothed out though and ending on a pretty good note. I haven't been dreaming much. Little things here and there; snippits that are hard to recall once I wake up until something or someone reminds of it. Funny how dreams can be like that, huh? The other night I dreamed of sinking teepee's. Well, not sinking, but they were submerged in water. But it didn't seem like a sad thing anymore than it seemed to be a deliberate thing. It was a weird thing; almost beautiful. I had traveled a long way to see these half sunken teepees. There was crystal blue water al around and lush forests. Warm breeze blew in and a big open sky with small mountains in the distance. It was a pleasent dream to be sure. I don't get many of those... pleasent dreams.

Thursday, March 7, 2013

Dimitte

There was never any question as to forgiving you. For a question implies more than one possibility. A question could result in a negative answer; in doubt. There was never any doubt. I forgave you the moment it happened. 8. Always, 8. That has not changed.

I see now it never will.

Thursday, February 21, 2013

How Moving

An Old Lady's Poem

What do you see, nurses, what do you see?
What are you thinking when you're looking at me?
A crabby old woman, not very wise,
Uncertain of habit, with faraway eyes?
Who dribbles her food and makes no reply
When you say in a loud voice, "I do wish you'd try!"
Who seems not to notice the things that you do,
And forever is losing a stocking or shoe.....
Who, resisting or not, lets you do as you will,
With bathing and feeding, the long day to fill....
Is that what you're thinking? Is that what you see?
Then open your eyes, nurse; you're not looking at me.

I'll tell you who I am as I sit here so still,
As I do at your bidding, as I eat at your will.
I'm a small child of ten ...with a father and mother,
Brothers and sisters, who love one another.
A young girl of sixteen, with wings on her feet,
Dreaming that soon now a lover she'll meet.
A bride soon at twenty -- my heart gives a leap,
Remembering the vows that I promised to keep.
At twenty-five now, I have young of my own,
Who need me to guide and a secure happy home.
A woman of thirty, my young now grown fast,
Bound to each other with ties that should last.
At forty, my young sons have grown and are gone,
But my man's beside me to see I don't mourn.
At fifty once more, babies play round my knee,
Again we know children, my loved one and me.
Dark days are upon me, my husband is dead;
I look at the future, I shudder with dread.
For my young are all rearing young of their own,
And I think of the years and the love that I've known.

I'm now an old woman ...and nature is cruel;
'Tis jest to make old age look like a fool.
The body, it crumbles, grace and vigor depart,
There is now a stone where I once had a heart.
But inside this old carcass a young girl still dwells,
And now and again my battered heart swells.
I remember the joys, I remember the pain,
And I'm loving and living life over again.
I think of the years ....all too few, gone too fast,
And accept the stark fact that nothing can last.

So open your eyes, nurses, open and see,
...Not a crabby old woman; look closer ...see ME!

Wednesday, February 20, 2013

A Part

I feel completely left out of this world... Your world.

I like what the world becomes when it's just you and I. That I understand. That I feel at least a little part of...