Per Essere Visto

It's funny really. The things that people say. Funny because they never say what they actually mean. I had a friend, a really good friend. The kind of friend who knows you better than you know yourself. This friend never judged me when I got upset. Didn't care why I was upset to begin with, didn't try to rationalize it away like most people do. This friend simply listened. Which is all anyone ever wants in the end anyways. Just a person to sit by them with enough respect to put aside their own needs for attention to really be able to focus and listen with an open heart. For you need more than just your ears to truly listen to a person. My point is, I had this in someone. Had being the opperative word. I suppose I've found two people like this. Found. And lost.

It's funny because both parties are never aware of just how special the friendship is until it's gone. Hell, most of the time one party never realizes it. And what's more is that peolpe rarely realize the gift they are giving. Someone once said to me "I would like to treat you better than I have been treating you." I couldn't reply. To think that this person was mistreating me when in fact they were one of the few people who were treating me kindly and resectfully; of all the people in my life. I no longer speak to this person. They dropped off the planet; too busy with their own life I guess. It's the fact that they were such a good friend when they thought they weren't and now that they're not being a good friend anymore I'm sure they think nothing of it.

I will never understand people. Never. Never...

I am ever, always, invisible.

Odisse

... I think I hate you.

What It Means To Have Roots

Here's the thing. Those roads, those neighborhoods... They're mine. Always have been. I belong to them as much as they belong to me. I am part of it, as it is part of  me. No matter where my address may take me, that will be my home.

I met the most important person of my life right on those roads. She would change the very essence of my life in two seconds. Just two short seconds. She changed my life. Forever. Just as much a part of me as I am of her. To find a friend like that... To find a piece of your very own soul, in someone else. It is a rarity that I will never, as long as there is breath in my lungs, take for granted.  

I learned to ride a bike on those backwater roads. I learned to believe in ghosts as I ran, screaming from the "haunted" house on the top of the hill. I know all the best trees to climb and all the really good shady spots if you want to sit in the quiet breeze and read. I learned to cook at good ol' 26. And not only to cook, but to truly enjoy cooking and truly relish in what it meant to eat delicious food. I was taught secret family recipes. I learned that a good meal could not only fill the stomach, but calm the mind, comfort the soul. I learned that the joy was not only in eating the delicious food, but also in watching those around you enjoy the meal you worked hard to cook. The way their faces light up when the scrumptious portions hit their taste buds for the first time... It is an irreplaceable feeling to be sure.

I learned to swim in that small freshwater pond and have spent countless hours basking in the sun's rays on those sands. I learned to fish on it's waters edge and hooked my first live one. I shared my first kiss with a boy in the grass just before the sands of this beach under a blanket of stars on a warm summer night. My first job was working as a beach guard for this wonderful little beach. Not only was it a great job, lounging in the sun all day; I got to share it with my very best friend in the whole world. I found God on those shores, in the quiet of the early mornings, hours before the heat beckoned a soul to seek out the relief of it's cool waters. I had great many a conversation with Him during those two summers. Sitting on the sand, listening to the breeze rock the trees and push at the water's edge; humming me a Godly lullaby.

I fell in love for the first time in my life; with those familiar walls around me. Heard the words 'I love you' reverberate around a room I knew so well. Knowing it was the first time a man had said it to me... Meaning each letter. Those walls also held me together when the heartbreak of it threatened to tear me apart. I'd left that place only once. Angry, hurt, abandoned. Vowing never to return. Convincing myself I didn't need it- I'd be just fine without it. The thing about lying to yourself though, is it always comes back to haunt you. And trust me when I say, there is no escaping it. But I told myself everything would be okay. I had found a new family, or perhaps something close enough. And I was truly happy for a time. But like always, Life finds a way to get into the way, so to speak, and my fragile world came crashing down around me. Angry, hurt and abandoned once more, I had no place left to go. No place, but home.

And to my beautiful amazement it welcomed me back with arms wide open. It was almost as if I'd never left in the first place. The roads were the same, with their familiar dips, twists and turns. The houses that lined the street still smiled at me as I drove past; silently welcoming me back, reminding me that I was home. Reminding me that they were mine and I, theirs. Dear ol' 26.

I said goodbye to my mother for the very last time within those walls. I leaned into her room, said good morning for the very last time. I walked in, kissed her forehead and said "I love you, mom" for the last time in my life. And heard her voice resound, one final time, "I love you too, honey." She passed peacefully in her sleep three days later, in her own bed, in her own home, filled with love. In my good ol' 26. My home. Our home.

You may not be my address anymore, but you will always, always be my home. You were my beginning. You were my rock. You held me together when everything else fell apart. My happiest of memories are there. My roots are deeply planted there, my love; there and no where else.

Lost

Seeing you... was hard. Walking past you was even harder. I wanted nothing more than to meld into the wall I pressed against. Become part of it. Become invisible. Erase the space where I stood and the pain in that place...

Impossible.

Loving him, means missing you.

I'm not so sure it's an even trade anymore.

If Only...

So many 'if only's' drift in my mind. So many second chances yet to play out... that will never play out. Afterall, why would anyone bother giving me a second chance?

Why bother...

Mind's eye.

I've been reading a lot. I guess it helps me to let go. Helps to ease the pain. Its been a tough week. Had a bit of a breakdown in the beginning. It's smoothed out though and ending on a pretty good note. I haven't been dreaming much. Little things here and there; snippits that are hard to recall once I wake up until something or someone reminds of it. Funny how dreams can be like that, huh? The other night I dreamed of sinking teepee's. Well, not sinking, but they were submerged in water. But it didn't seem like a sad thing anymore than it seemed to be a deliberate thing. It was a weird thing; almost beautiful. I had traveled a long way to see these half sunken teepees. There was crystal blue water al around and lush forests. Warm breeze blew in and a big open sky with small mountains in the distance. It was a pleasent dream to be sure. I don't get many of those... pleasent dreams.

Dimitte

There was never any question as to forgiving you. For a question implies more than one possibility. A question could result in a negative answer; in doubt. There was never any doubt. I forgave you the moment it happened. 8. Always, 8. That has not changed.

I see now it never will.