Lost

Seeing you... was hard. Walking past you was even harder. I wanted nothing more than to meld into the wall I pressed against. Become part of it. Become invisible. Erase the space where I stood and the pain in that place...

Impossible.

Loving him, means missing you.

I'm not so sure it's an even trade anymore.

If Only...

So many 'if only's' drift in my mind. So many second chances yet to play out... that will never play out. Afterall, why would anyone bother giving me a second chance?

Why bother...

Mind's eye.

I've been reading a lot. I guess it helps me to let go. Helps to ease the pain. Its been a tough week. Had a bit of a breakdown in the beginning. It's smoothed out though and ending on a pretty good note. I haven't been dreaming much. Little things here and there; snippits that are hard to recall once I wake up until something or someone reminds of it. Funny how dreams can be like that, huh? The other night I dreamed of sinking teepee's. Well, not sinking, but they were submerged in water. But it didn't seem like a sad thing anymore than it seemed to be a deliberate thing. It was a weird thing; almost beautiful. I had traveled a long way to see these half sunken teepees. There was crystal blue water al around and lush forests. Warm breeze blew in and a big open sky with small mountains in the distance. It was a pleasent dream to be sure. I don't get many of those... pleasent dreams.

Dimitte

There was never any question as to forgiving you. For a question implies more than one possibility. A question could result in a negative answer; in doubt. There was never any doubt. I forgave you the moment it happened. 8. Always, 8. That has not changed.

I see now it never will.

How Moving

An Old Lady's Poem

What do you see, nurses, what do you see?
What are you thinking when you're looking at me?
A crabby old woman, not very wise,
Uncertain of habit, with faraway eyes?
Who dribbles her food and makes no reply
When you say in a loud voice, "I do wish you'd try!"
Who seems not to notice the things that you do,
And forever is losing a stocking or shoe.....
Who, resisting or not, lets you do as you will,
With bathing and feeding, the long day to fill....
Is that what you're thinking? Is that what you see?
Then open your eyes, nurse; you're not looking at me.

I'll tell you who I am as I sit here so still,
As I do at your bidding, as I eat at your will.
I'm a small child of ten ...with a father and mother,
Brothers and sisters, who love one another.
A young girl of sixteen, with wings on her feet,
Dreaming that soon now a lover she'll meet.
A bride soon at twenty -- my heart gives a leap,
Remembering the vows that I promised to keep.
At twenty-five now, I have young of my own,
Who need me to guide and a secure happy home.
A woman of thirty, my young now grown fast,
Bound to each other with ties that should last.
At forty, my young sons have grown and are gone,
But my man's beside me to see I don't mourn.
At fifty once more, babies play round my knee,
Again we know children, my loved one and me.
Dark days are upon me, my husband is dead;
I look at the future, I shudder with dread.
For my young are all rearing young of their own,
And I think of the years and the love that I've known.

I'm now an old woman ...and nature is cruel;
'Tis jest to make old age look like a fool.
The body, it crumbles, grace and vigor depart,
There is now a stone where I once had a heart.
But inside this old carcass a young girl still dwells,
And now and again my battered heart swells.
I remember the joys, I remember the pain,
And I'm loving and living life over again.
I think of the years ....all too few, gone too fast,
And accept the stark fact that nothing can last.

So open your eyes, nurses, open and see,
...Not a crabby old woman; look closer ...see ME!

A Part

I feel completely left out of this world... Your world.

I like what the world becomes when it's just you and I. That I understand. That I feel at least a little part of...

Pendo

There is only a single person in my life that values me in the exact way I value her...

Each day is only a constant reminder of how valueless I am to everyone else around me...